the heartbeat

I went in for another baby appt. Tuesday. Each visit they routinely check my vitals as well as the baby. At last she reminded me that I get to hear the heartbeat again and was secretly excited as she got out the mini ultrasound wand. The search began. No heartbeat to be found. A few minutes later still and I was fine. A little more intense listening and probing with the wand to the point of pain and I started to get concerned, but still held my emotions at bay. My midwife did not let on any concern yet and kept searching moving it this way and that and pushing down. Eventually, she decided to go check and see if the larger ultrasound machine technician was available just to "make sure everything is ok."

During this time I was alone. I wasn't sure if I even had the company of my new growing baby. I texted Drew as I waited not wanting to call him in case the tears came. I simply said, "Trying to find the heartbeat, please pray." I don't even know if I said "I love you" in the message.

A few long minutes later she came back with a "different type of ultrasound piece of technology" I will call it here on the blog. A moment later, a beautiful relieving sound: the heartbeat. I smiled as though I knew everything was fine. However, the truth was, my thoughts ran like this... 'maybe this is why I haven't been as attached to this pregnancy' or ' ok, Lord, I know you are over this' or 'It's because I have eaten too many McDonald's fries and have not been taking my prenatal vitamins' or 'I shouldn't have been shooting all these weddings' or 'I shouldn't be picking up Bentley'... on and on.

I thanked her and left. Texted Drew as soon as I got in the car. Then grateful, joyful tears came. I realized it is so hard to have such little control over something of such magnitude. But then I thought, how better is it then, for a perfect God to be in control than an imperfect me.